Of loving and losing.

“I had never forgotten love, even when it had deemed me unworthy of fighting for it. But love had been difficult, and I had been reluctant to cross its frontiers”

My mind was wandering. I wish i can find someone who can bring peace to my heart — someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass by more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we’d know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. A silence that would speak for itself, a silence that would say we no longer needed to explain things to each other. I wouldnt have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.

I knew has was going to turn my world upside down, my brain warned me but my heart didnt want to take its advice

——

I began to imagine how i would like to be living right at this moment. I want to be happy, curious, joyful — living every moment intensely. Believing again in my dreams. Being able to fight for what i want.

Loving a man who loved me.

Yes, that is the woman i want to be — the woman who was suddenly presenting herself and becoming me.

I observed the woman i had been up until then; weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling myself it wasnt fear — it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. I am controlling and enslaving what should really be free — my emotions. Trying to judge my future love by the rules of my past sufferings.

But, love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

I wanted to tell him that i loved him, but i didnt know how to begin..

I need to let my soul speak to me — my heart had so many doubts and needed so many answers

I want to be alone with him, far from this place, holding his hand and telling him how i feel. We needed to talk more about our plans, about love. I wanted to reassure him, to make clear how strong my feelings were and to let him know that his dream could come true — because i would be at his side, helping him.

Even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price. —By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept (Paulo Coelho)