ONE MILLION @ 25

I want to pose like this. Haha.

I have a new goal in life. I was thinking, for a few weeks now, if it's actually feasible. Then I've decided to make it possible!! :D

I need to have 1M at the bank by the time I turn 25.
and thats, 3 years from now.

Securing my future is one thing I have in mind right now.

I WILL SAVE MONEY FOR:

1. Travel and Leisure
2. Shop for the things that I really need.
3. For my future.
4. Treat my parents for a get-away travel.
5. Give my mom and dad, money to spend, so they can stop working and just enjoy and relax.
6. Just incase I get pregnant, I have money to feed my kiddo (haha. kidding. but who knows??)
7. I want to pay for my tuition fee when I pursue my MA and PHD.
8. Put up a business. (all sorts)
9. Buy myself a brand new car in the future.
10. Give an educational plan to all my godson and daughters.

Pretty much, but that will keep me motivated. I think?

Goodluck to me. :)

SMART CAR 2007-2009

CUTE LITTLE SMART CAR :D

Suzuki Wagon R. The car daddy bought me in replacement for the van I used to drive then. :)
The car who became part of my daily routine back in 4th year college :)

Smart is the name my friends gave to it.

Yesterday, before I left the house for work, I saw some people in our garage checking out Smart. Then after a few hours, my dad texted me, "Wala na si smart.."

IT WAS SOLD. THAT MORNING.

I got sad.

Well, 1st, I wasn't able to drive it for the last time because there were so many people checking it out ever since dad posted it in buy and sell and car finder.

2nd, there are so many memories I associate with that car. Smart witnessed all the laughter, tears, victories and defeats and alot of mixed emotions in that 2 years I was driving it.

But as how everything works, I have to let it go. And let someone make a good use out of it and create a whole different bunch of memories with smart.

Something even better will come, and dad made it possible. :) He bought me an SUV. 2nd hand but in good running condition. I jumped at the sight of it! It was pretty. :)

So I have to move on now. but smart will never be forgotten.

BYE SMART. HI WIZZARD. :)

MY NEW BABY, WIZZARD :D

Messing up lately.

This is what I'm feeling right at this moment.

I feel fucked up today. I did alot of stupid things. Unforgivable stupid things that I did not mean to do. Sometimes, I doubt my credibility. Am I really good at something? Shoot, I’m being harsh on myself. I just feel downright stupid.

Alot of things are going on in my mind lately. And I feel like im about to explode. I fail in emotional maturity. I can’t grasp that now.. not yet. One can only do so much. That I am sure. I hope things have been easier and lighter to carry. I want to be strong and up for everything that comes along my way. But how? If I give up now, things will be okay…for now. But what about the future? If I give up every time I fail, how will I learn to stand up again?

It eats me up inside. No matter how much I try to contain my tears, it just falls out freely. and i feel my heart getting heavier. I wish I can answer all my questions but I’m plainly clueless. I want to leave everything behind and start from scratch, but I’m just scared to do that either.

I’m at the point of letting go. Holding on to what keeps me together. I just don’t know what to do.

Random Words about Everything.

Grabbed from a friend in FB. :)

Take time to smell the flowers. It's true that all good things must come to an end, and August is no exception. They don't call it "fall" for nothing.

Love may fade with the season, but some friendships are year round.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there would be no gossip without secrets. You might be brave enough to reveal your secret only to have it used against you. Or someone else's secret might effect you in unexpected ways. There are some secrets you're only too happy to keep. Others surface only to be buried away deeper than they were before. But the most powerful secrets are the truths you thought you could never reveal. That once spoken change everything. But don't worry, B. The brightest stars burn out the fastest. Or at least that's what I heard.

Dreams. Everybody has them. Some good. Some bad. Some you wish you could forget. Sometimes you realize you've outgrown them. Sometimes you feel like they're finally coming true. And some of us just have nightmares. But no matter what you the dream, when morning comes, reality intrudes and the dream begins to slip away. Dream a little dream of me.

The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment.

In real life, the Prince goes off with the wrong Princess. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they're better off as... well, whatever they are.

As the end of another holiday draws near, I'd like to take a moment to list all the things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that no matter how dark things might get, old friendships can still be rekindled. I'm thankful for new relationships that help us realize how far we've come from who we are. And how close we get when we can really be ourselves. I'm thankful that no matter what they say, you can go home again. Whether it's your home or not. But the thing I'm most thankful for? How even on the most giving of days, people can still do something unforgivable.

Some endings take a long time to reveal themselves, but when they do they're almost too easy to ignore...
Some beginnings start so quietly you don't even notice they're happening.
But most endings come when you least expect them. And what they portend is darker than you've ever imagined.
Not all beginnings are cause for celebration. A lot of bad things begin. Fights, flu season, and the worst thing all...
Wanna be startin' something.

The past is always with us. Just waiting to mess with the present.

One thing about being on top of the world? It gives you a long, long way to fall.

Sometimes, in an effort to spread the most outrageous rumors, we look over the very thing that's even more scandalous—the truth. An the only thing more shocking than the truth are the lies people tell to cover it up.

You don't know a good thing until it's gone... and found someone else.

"What's the difference between gossip and scandal?" So glad you asked, UESForever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz. But in order to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one It Girl on a pedestal. Add a crowd eager to see her fall. And give them the means to knock her down.

It's often said that, no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones that run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves.

In life, as in art, some endings are bittersweet. Especially when it comes to love. Sometimes fate throws two lovers together only to rip them apart.

Sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice but the timing is all wrong. And, as they say, timing is everything.

Every actress eventually finds the hook into her character. Even if sometimes life has to give her a little push. But don't worry, B, when God closes a door, he opens a play.

The thing about new beginnings is that they require something elso to end.

Every girl dreams about finding her Prince Charming. But if that prince refuses to come?

With friends like these, who needs armies?

A dozen roses in one hand, his heart in the other. You know what they say: A man is a good thing to come home for. But an even better thing to come home with.

But the worst thing the truth can do? Is when you finally tell it, it doesn't set you free... but locks you away, forever.

They say summer love is fleeting. But sometimes what starts as a fling, can lead to the real thing. A simple trip to the beach can be all it takes to clear our heads and open our heads, and write a new ending to an old story. There are those who got burned by the heat. They just want to forget and start over. While there are others who want each moment to last forever. But everyone can agreed on one thing - tans fade, highlights go dark, and we all get sick of getting sand in our shoes. But summer is the beginning of a new season, so we find ourselves looking to the future.

Excited for my new room.

Inspiration for my new room :)

This makes me excited about the new house. I gave this to Pipay and Misty (my friend/interior designer) to serve as peg for the design they will be creating for me :) I love the vintage wall and the pink accent of this room. It makes me feel sophisticated and sooo girly. I'm just so excited. I really hope my room will be done soon. Hahaha! I can't wait.

And.. If only I had the space, I'd want this one too.

Mariah's walk in SHOE closet.

IF ONLY. RAWR!!

Once upon a time.

i am the girl that your boyfriend will fall in love with, but will never leave you for. its always been this way and it probably always will.

— ahaha. if i can rewind back to late 2006. I’d probably tell this to someone. Haha. Funny how I can laugh about it now. Because back then, it breaks me apart everyday that I think about it. Maybe one reason is that I’ve moved on and accepted this fact. Haha. Oh well. thats life.

— yes, he tells me he loves me everyday, but didnt have the guts (or the balls)to leave his girlfriend for me. he’s an ass, but at that time, he was just too adorable that i accepted it. but now that i know my worth, (way more than you’ve treated me before) goodluck to you. i wont fall for that anymore.

25 weird/crazy/surprising/random things about me. :)

1. I pout when things doesn’t go my way.

2. I bite my lips when I admit that I’m wrong. (Malalaman mo agad kung guilty!)

3. I’m a lazy driver. Unlike other people who loves it, i prefer to just be the passenger. Hahaha.

4. I buy box of 6 of original honey glazed krispy kreme and eat one. I get “umay” agad

5. Reverse Psychology doesn’t work with me. Hahahaha. kupal.

6. I don’t like lengua, atay and catfish (hito)!!!!!!!!

7. Im a nurse at heart. I take good care of people very well. TLC. I don’t know how to take BP though. Hahahaha.

8. I hate it when people asks or talks about something that’s obvious. It appears more of sarcasm to me.

9. I’m a smoker but I hardly smoke alone. It gives me headache. Weird.

10. I’m allergic to sound/music. Especially when Im driving or talking to someone.

11. I’m a spendthrift! I buy things that looks cute and nice but it takes forever for me to use them. Some of my shoes are still in their boxes. Yikes!

12. I was once diagnosed for an allergy. Allergy of “eating too much chicken.” :( I didn’t know that until it happened. Hahaha.

13. I love make up’s. I have a lot! Yet I’m too lazy to put on some everyday.

14. There’s an involuntary muscle that makes me do the Korean pose everytime someone says; “picture!!”

15. I once threw an alarm clock out the door for not stopping!!! Hahaha.

16. I silent my phone all the time. I get irritated with alert tones. Hahaha

17. I always try to take care of my phones when they’re new but I always end up accidentally dropping them or soaking them. :S

18. I have always left my car key inside my car for the Nth time already. Same goes with my room key too.

19. I’m super cranky in the morning.

20. I believe that there are only 2 types of woman driver in this planet. Isang sobrang tanga at isang sobrang gago. (definitely hindi ako tanga. hahaha)

21. I HEART SHOES.

22. I drink 8-10 cups of coffee a day.

23. I got suspended because of trying to stand up for what I think is right. :P

24. I mix drinks. That’s my latest hobby.

25. I don’t like PET SOCIETY. Boo me.

Busy Bee. :)

Stepping back and looking at my life from a wider perspective makes me feel more at ease with what I have accomplished so far. I can not say I’m outright successful but at the very least, I have been competent with what I want to achieve.

This past 2 weeks have been pretty dragging in terms of workload. There are minutes in my 9-6 day that I want to break loose. Coffee is my bestfriend. Haha. I need to de-stress bigtime. As in. I think I need to. I would lose my sanity if i dont. Hahaha.

“Wag kang bibitaw” - my boss told me. Ka-mushy. Haha. But yeah, I needed that. For him to say that, you can just imagine how stressful my work is. Sometimes it pushes me to the limit and I need to do my best to recover.

So I’m gonna answer a survey that would snap me out of this busy world of mine.

1. what bill do you hate paying the most? – My Internet. and my work phone bills. Technically, it’s the company who pays. I have 2 globe lines to use and 1 sun line. But I still go over my limit. Ofcourse, like anything else, it has to be deducted from my salary. Which you know, hurts. Hahaha. I should be disciplined!!

2. do you miss being a child? – Yes. Basically because you can commit a mistake and people will understand. Also, less problemos!

3. chore you hate the most? – Bed making. Seriously.

4.where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? – Last May 19, at Teriyaki Boy, Eastwood with singing Richard Poon on the background. And ofcourse, dinner shared with Niknik (Babe) is always romantic.

5. if you could go back and change one thing what would it be? – Some drastic decisions I’ve made without carefully thinking about it.

6. name of your first grade teacher? – Ms. Bello? Yeah, I think I got that right. I - Industry

7. what do you really want to be doing right now? – Rest. or go shopping.

8. what did you want to be when you were growing up? - I’ve always dreamed of becoming a lawyer. But then I swear-fully changed my mind about it. It also crossed my mind that I want to be a preschool teacher.

9. what was your post secondary education? –
AB MASSCOMMUNICATION Major in Digital Media

10. why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? – its comfy!!

11. what are your thoughts on gas prices? –
it goes up and down.

12. first thought when the alarm went off this morning? – 5 minutes!! hahaha.

13. last thought before going to sleep last night? – Is change really inevitable?

14. which famous person would you like to have dinner with? – Angelina Jolie, i want to ask her how it feels just by being her and if she can adopt me. Hahaha.

15. have you ever crashed your vehicle? -
At one point, 2 years ago. Maliit lang naman though.

16. if you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer? – YESSSSSSSSS!

17. get up early or sleep in? – SLEEP IN. hahaha

18. what is your favorite cartoon or children’s tv show character? – hello kitty

19. favorite thing to do at night? – FB

20. when did you first start feeling old? - When I needed to decide on important decisions on my own.

21. favorite lunch meat? – any

22. what do you get every time you go into wal-mart? – Candy

23. do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? – Never

24. favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out that you watch over and over and over? - Home alone

24a. favorite movie(s)? – alot

25. what’s your favorite drink? – iced tea and coffee

26. who[m] from high school would you like to run in to? - All of them. Wait, not really. Hahaha

27. what radio station are you tuned into? – 89.1

27a what do you listen to in your car? – I change stations every minute

28. sopranos or desperate housewives? - desperate housewives

28a. favorite television series? - primetime bida. hahaha

29. favorite musical? - Cinderella.

30. worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? - Doing stupid things for the sake of it. Giving more than I have to and taking less than what I deserve.

31. do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? - Yeah, we’re like family.

31a. how well do you get along with your coworkers? – We’re great. I heart my job and those in it.

32. have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher or fire hose for its intended purposes? – haven’t

33. last book you finished reading? – I can’t remember anymore

34. do you have a teddy bear? – None

35. strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? - What the?

36. do you go to a church? - Yes

37. how old are you? - turning 22

38. do you like where you live? – I adore it. but we’re moving out in a few months.

38a. where would you ideally like to live? – Fort.

39. how do you let someone know you`re not interested? – Thanks but no thanks.

40. how do you let someone know you are interested? –I do something special

**It’s Holiday in China, so my world is just peaceful today!!! HAHA.

So Many Questions..

Do I know exactly what would make me happy?

Am I giving too much?

Am I receiving enough?

What is enough?

When do I stop?

Do I have to?

Is my day-to-day life routinary?

Am I a good daughter?

Will I be leaving something good behind?

Will my decision make a significant change?

Am I going towards the right direction?

How do I see myself few years from now?

Am I ready to settle down?

Will my opinion matter?

So Many Questions. But the answers are indeed few.

I'm not where everyone expected me to be.

Not where all expected me to be.

Back in college, I was average. I don’t get straight A’s but I excel in recitation. I love my course. I argued with my mom to pursue it. She wanted me to take up Nursing but I had a shouting match with her as I reason out why I have to take up Masscomm. Just because I feel my heart is in it. I’m not the bibo type but I loved every minute of what we do. With this, everyone expected me to be in the industry.

After we graduated, I searched for a job that would take me out of my bum life. Bummm??? I had my first job, April 27, 2008. It never entered my mind to apply in a broadcasting company, I don’t know why.

I wanted to try in an Advertising Company and I’m still hoping until 2 weeks ago, I had a client that works for an Advertising Agency and she’s downright crazy. I mean, everything blows out of proportion because of her stress. She can’t seem to manage everything. Knowing myself, I dont think I can handle that stress. Honestly.

I do what I do best. and that is to communicate. Communication takes you to places. It doesnt have to be where everyone expected you to be, it just has to be where you find yourself happy and contented.

I see my friends in the industry and field we chose, and I’m happy for them. I am more than glad that people strive hard for their dreams and I’m one of them. I wanted to have a job that is pro-active, self fulfilling and fun all at the same time. And I got it. and being given the chance to hold a managerial position is the cherry on top of my ice cream. :p

Life’s that simple. When you go out in real life, you don’t carry your degree with you. It matters, but what employer’s credit is your dedication and passion for what you do. That’s how you will help the company in the first place. Choosing another path for myself is my decision and I’m more than happy with what I chose.

Random Thoughts

Coffee Overdose - Been drinking too much coffee for the past week. Stressed out. Coffee claimed that it can keep you awake even if you’re dead tired or super sleepy. I’ve been addicting myself to it, so I can work as much as possible.

Work - It had been pretty demanding lately. Clients calling left and right. Imagine, one of our clients wants us to fly to China and get their goods ourselves. Something we have to do just to get the goods here on time. And last night, I came home from work past 10pm. Waaayy late but duty calls. :p

BOF (Boys over Flowers) - Since the air time was changed, I wasn’t able to watch it anymore. Punyemas. I so miss Ji Hoo. Hahaha. I’ll download it na lang. Haiii. Simple pleasures.

Cocktails - I want to drink something new. Being the “bartender” that I am, I have to think of something that would please my taste buds. Less triplesec, More Vodka, too much tequila.. List goes on.. Darn.

Our Business - Chaser’s Club had been resting for a few weeks and we’re trying to figure out how to market it well. I cant get my hands on it full time since I am working as well. New shot glasses arrived and our truck’s almost done. Thanks Dad! I have to think of something asap.

Masters Degree - Despite my crazy schedule, I am thinking of pushing through with my plan long ago. Lasalle said they’ll be opening the submission of application on June and classes starts on September. I am so torned. Should I? Should I?

Hayden-Katrina Scandal. - Well, poor Katrina. One girl who fell inlove and got busted. Why are some men like that? No matter how many times they say that she deserves it because she’s such a slut, she’s still a woman, and her body is sacred. F.U. Hayden.

Eyebags - Getting worse day after day. What do you expect, I have a client that thinks I’m Mercury Drug, open 24 hours. Haha. Imagine getting a message/call at 2:30 in the morning? Haha.

Silent Mode - Eversince mobile phone was invented, I was so used to putting it on Silent mode. Because ringtones irritates me. But now that people needs to get a hold of me often, putting my phone in silent mode is a mortal sin. :s

Berks - God, I miss them. When did we last go out that we’re complete? Biene’s Birthday? and that was 3 months ago. I hope we can find little time in our busy schedule to meet up for coffee or something. Sissy, you should go home asap.

19th Month - Aww. Babe and I went through all these months together. I’m happy to call him my significant other. He’s such a sweetie. Having someone who understands you, takes care of you, loves you all the way is something really precious.

Moving out - 21 Sct. Rallos is Lalalove. My friends would agree that most of our fond memories happened here. I’ve spent 21 years of my life growing up in that house. All my cries, joys and pains was secluded in the 4 walls of this home. I’m also sad because i’ll be far from my girlfriends but closer to Babe. Hahaha. Well, change is inevitable.

Moving in - I haven’t seen the new house at Ayala Hillside for quite some time, so I don’t know exactly at what stage they are now. I’m pretty much excited to start anew. But this means, I have to get used to Balara’s traffic. I can’t wait to see my new room.

M.O.S.T. Institute - Mom wants me to learn how to cook. It doesn’t mean I completely don’t know how to, but she doesn’t want me to cook Adobo or Pasta or Fry hotdogs, ham and egg my whole life. This is something that I think is necessary but I told her if I manage to have time for this, I will. Besides, cooking school is not cheap. They are wayyy too expensive.

Dieting - And this is the hardest part. Haha. Working your ass off and dieting is not a good combination. I’d probably faint if i do. So I’m taking it one step at a time. Godamnit.

Escape - I NEED THIS. I want to go somewhere far. Haha. I want to go to the beach. I’m in dire need of rest. Oh crap.

Full Body Massage - I want one. I like one. I need one. Hahaha. Karr, let’s gooooo

So there, this is my way of de-stressing; writing random thoughts.

Random Things I so-miss! :)

There are a lot of things I miss lately. People, Places, Food, and how things once were.

I miss being young, when all you think about is what to play, when to play and who to play with.

I miss being a teenager, when me and my friends litter the floors of Robinson’s Galleria. When studio pictures was “uso”. When “HAVOC” was the best brand. When fairs and soiree’s is a must-go party.

I miss being in college, when you run with your 3inch heels because you’re running late for class with Ms. Bello or Sister (Catech). When you accumulate all the absences allowed and you go to the PD Office and reactivate. When you get evicted from your midterm/final exam because you forgot to pay and didn’t have your permit. When you go running to SNAX and THIRD STREET when Dr. Rotor says “Go around and take pictures of flowers..”. When all we think about is how to win the cheering competition.

I just miss those days when I don’t have to worry about clients yelling, supplier’s leaving you hanging, a boss you have to please, paper works you have to finish, a typewriter that wouldn’t cooperate, and some mathematic equation you have to MASTER.

I miss having ample time to be with my friends and just talk about anything.

I miss being at home with my family and watch TV the whole night.

I miss being with Josh long enough.

If only I could go back, I couldve cherished and make the most out of the time I had.

But I am where I am now. Accomplished, Stressed, Contented but I have all my memories to look back to.

I got promoted, it was the happiest and most fulfilling day of my career. Haiii.

I need a break. Coffee, anyone?

Stop. Take a breather.

Mass lay-off is always the headline. I had to do a little more than I have to, more than my share and I have to do it as well as I can.

I heart this job. All the stress makes me feel so fulfilled.

But there are other things thats going on my mind. I have inner conflicts that I have to deal with from time to time. It was said that when you’re career is doing excellent, your relationship takes the back seat. I’m not sure if I believe that but I’m trying to manage things as well as I can. I don’t want any other aspect of my life to be sacrificed just because I’m giving some things extra attention.

There are issues to be settled. I know my priorities well. Just maybe, while dealing with my day-to-day agenda, I feel that a part of me is slipping away.

Is it? Or am I just being paranoid?

Do I really have to worry? I dunno. Hahaha.

**Stop. Take a Breather.**

Trust Issues.

I just thought that no matter how much you trust a person. Or how many times you say past is past; there are things that you just can’t understand and forget just like that. You know, stuffs that would make you unsecure and insecure all at the same time. Well, benefit of the doubt should be considered but I guess being protective and possessive of what you believe is yours is a defense mechanism. JEALOUSY is understandable. It just doesn’t mean you love him and you don’t want to lose him, also, you love him that you can’t stand the fact she’s been with any other girl than you. It’s a selfish act. But Love is like that, its always selfish not selfless.

21 years of living life and loving it.

23 December 2008

Happy Birthday to me.

21 years of simplicity, spontaneity and happiness.

"Birthday Girl" claiming to be of-age. :)

There’s so much in this life to be thankful for. I may not have experienced life at it’s best but it offered me a lot more than i asked for. From being my daddy’s little girl to a young rebel to a happy-go-lucky hopeless romantic woman.

It feels good being 21.

But in a strange way, I almost feel old now. This is, of course, absurd. A 21-year-old complaining about old age. But when you think about it, turning 21 is really the last “milestone” of youth. After that comes turning 30, then 40, after which you lose

count and start saying things like “I haven’t aged since 36! Har, har!”

Childhood is filled with turning points associated with age. Parents can remember, to the exact second, how old you were when you uttered your first word. The same applies to your first steps, first flu and first major crying fit in a toy store.

Turning 16 was a big one. Gone were the sedentary days of your early teens, filled with quiet nights at home alone with your zits. Now you were mobile and had the ability to substantially hike up your parents’ insurance bill. You were a wild rebel, shifting without using the clutch

and flooring the accelerator throughout the busy streets of the City.

Hahaha.

Eighteen was another turning point, but not quite as exciting. You could vote now. Sure, this meant you were participating in a democratic tradition over 200 years old. You also could LEGALLY buy cigarettes, but this meant you were supporting the tobacco industry, a charming bunch who often make caring statements like, “Cigarette smoking has in no way been linked to deaths caused by provoking wild boars.”

But turning 21 is a bit different. No one goes out on wild, all-night voting binges when they turn 18. It’s the last hurdle to enjoying the benefits of adulthood, but the “forbidden” element of childhood is gone.

Thoughts and Realizations on different aspects jammed in my mind.

On Life: It’s a bitch. It will always be but it does spice up your entire being. You fuck up with a lot of things and realize they aren’t really that important. You settle with a job you dont like then your “dream job” calls for a second interview. But what’s left to do? To deal with it. To learn living and loving it. Mistakes committed are lessons learned.

On Love and Past Heartbreaks: Once you stop looking for it, love starts to find you. Involving yourself to a couple of relationships one after the other will just give you multiple heartbreaks. It aint easy bouncing back from a heartbreak but it will surely make you wiser than before. Once your own happiness is being sacrificed for the sake of other person, STOP. And I will quote a line that says “you can find another love, but never another you”. True enough.

On Friends: They are the mirrors to your soul. They’ve been there in

you’re most victorious to your most embarassing moment. They were “badshot” to your parents for a few times because of the mess you got yourself into but they never stopped being friends to you. They brought you home when your dead drunk and fought with you when you were being stubborn. You’ve heard the most painful truthful words from them but with always the best of intention. You fought about love, family and other friends but they’re still the same people who shows up outside your house with a bottle of local drink in their hand when some jerk breaks your heart.

——-

And this space goes out to my most loved significant other, Josh

Me and my ever supporting significant other

It had been the happiest and most peaceful year for me -ever-. I wouldn’t lie, i fell inlove a lot of times. But you came when I didn’t search. You helped me find my worth when I was at the point of letting go. You kept my heart intact until your presence erased all the hurts caused by a lot of things. You never stopped being my friend when I became your girlfriend. You didn’t treat me like a princess but you made me feel like I’m wearing an invisible crown. You are my joy and my frustration. You’ve put up with my whines and endless complains and mood swings. You reassure me over and over again when I feel unsecure. You remind me how much you love me every minute of everyday. I love you babe. That’s even an understatement. :p
———————-
And this part goes to the man who I loved and will always love my whole life.. MY DAD (Everyone’s Dad)

Cry baby. Daddy's Girl. Always and Forever.

My pillar of strength. the person whose voice makes my heart melt (i can never ever ever ever EVER get bored of his singin!) Ideological differences? We’ve got plenty! Yet, i cant just get enough of arguing with him…He finds it funny every time i enter into a heated, passionate argument about how id like to make my life the way i want it and that annoys me, because well, here i am going all hyper trying to convince him to see my side of the story, and there he is giving me an amused look (to be read as: rant all u want, you’ve still gotta listen to me while you’re under my roof!) I guess that’s what people call “Generation Gap”

I so-believe that u can hate as strong as u love a person, and with him thats just how it is. There are RARE times i wish I would just vanish into thin air or run away from home. The funny part is, the stronger that thought gets, the harder i pray to never let him out of my site…Travails of a contradicting mind! He’s the only person who can move me to tears ANYTIME.

He fought my battles, cried my tears and treats my victories as his own. I LOVE YOU DAD. I have been and will always be you’re little girl.

~HAPPY 21st TO ME~

There's no easy way out.

Today, I witnessed a great love come to an end. It was super painful for me too because they’re both my friend.
However, sometimes, we make decisions that is uncalled for but you know you have to do. Sometimes, you have to hurt someone to do what’s right. That is ironic, I know. But that’s how life is, that’s how life works.

“Walang madaling paraan..”

True enough, there is none.

Trust me, I’ve been through a lot of this shit and no matter how I thought I prepared myself, it still feels the same thing.
It’s tormenting. It is. It will always be.

I died and he revived me.

20 October 2007

A mushy post. You’ve been warned. Skip if you must.

We were exclusively dating then. :)

Nothing much. I’ve been in full bliss for quite some time now. Everyone knows why. I think? Haha. I am happy. That is an understatement. Love have been cruel and at the same time nice to me. I guess failure in relationships are meant to teach me some lessons; that we can’t have everything we want. That nobody is indeed perfect.

I may not be living a perfect life, but Josh is making me feel more than the perfect life i want, if there is. I was crashed, stepped on and laughed at. But situations made me a better person. Life isnt that hard to deal with, i realize. I conquered all my fears and my inhibitions.

So letting Josh in my life is the best decision i’ve made. and i’m letting him stay there forever.

And all those who hurt me in the past, thank you. Cause without it, i would have never experienced the happiness i feel right now. Yown!

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re surely not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Have you ever been the mean-time girl?

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she can make you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to sit beside you, lend an ear and be a friend in spite of her very busy schedule.

She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your college friends’ get-together or go out with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with when your girl’s not around. You know, “the one” who keeps you around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real woman” either. You don’t think she’s good enough to be seen in that light. She’s too clumsy; too easily amused by the things little girls are amused by. And you’re too comfortable with her that she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman” does.

But she’s cool and nice and witty and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. You don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her.

She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know that you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation…that she’ll be able to cope up with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you’ll have any real romantic feelings for her. It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye and continue your lives as if it’s nothing.

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably won’t because to you the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought) you know it’s really not fair. Although you know that she would NEVER SAY IT, it hurts her to know that you think she’s not good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault. Because she never really have to give in to you, she can play hard to get like most girls do if she really wanted to. But she didn’t.

Simply because she’s different. She doesn’t stand-out with her beauty, nor open doors with her charm. She’s just her. She has her own way of doing things and showing her care that the male population failed to understand. Whatever the reason, somehow life gave her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains the forever friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover and you go on flaunting your goddess who somehow has everything you wanted (or you think you want) in a woman.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact she may have a bigger and more loving heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front row seat to the mess that is your life and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile in you because although you have given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

She may never want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she definitely wants to turn somebody’s head. She wants to be special to someone too. We all do…

Ode to the nice guys.

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.”

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom.

I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever.

There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you.

You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

It doesn't heal all the time.

“Sometimes we encounter a cut that is difficult to heal, just like love,you can always cut, close and suturing don’t always follow thus causing continuous bleeding”

“My heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with”

Of loving and losing.

“I had never forgotten love, even when it had deemed me unworthy of fighting for it. But love had been difficult, and I had been reluctant to cross its frontiers”

My mind was wandering. I wish i can find someone who can bring peace to my heart — someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass by more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we’d know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. A silence that would speak for itself, a silence that would say we no longer needed to explain things to each other. I wouldnt have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.

I knew has was going to turn my world upside down, my brain warned me but my heart didnt want to take its advice

——

I began to imagine how i would like to be living right at this moment. I want to be happy, curious, joyful — living every moment intensely. Believing again in my dreams. Being able to fight for what i want.

Loving a man who loved me.

Yes, that is the woman i want to be — the woman who was suddenly presenting herself and becoming me.

I observed the woman i had been up until then; weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling myself it wasnt fear — it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. I am controlling and enslaving what should really be free — my emotions. Trying to judge my future love by the rules of my past sufferings.

But, love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

I wanted to tell him that i loved him, but i didnt know how to begin..

I need to let my soul speak to me — my heart had so many doubts and needed so many answers

I want to be alone with him, far from this place, holding his hand and telling him how i feel. We needed to talk more about our plans, about love. I wanted to reassure him, to make clear how strong my feelings were and to let him know that his dream could come true — because i would be at his side, helping him.

Even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price. —By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept (Paulo Coelho)

A little bit of insanity.

(from my friend, denei)

I’ve been tempted (at least in my fantasy world) by a relationship that just can’t be and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. There’s nothing like a little forbidden love to get the fires of passion burning bright.

I can be a real intellectual powerhouse. My mind is almost constantly engaged by one fantastic thought or another (that’s what comm students are made anyway). I’m probably in tune with who i am and what i want. conscious of my limitations but more aware of the positive qualities.

I’m dreaming about something that feels just out of control. I desire a way to rein in the external chaos that’s impacting me and once again feel on top of things.

I got a goofy sense of humor - my standards are low, but at least i have them! Whether i’m battling evil stepsisters/bros, arguing against an unfair grade, or trying to put a biatch in their place, one thing’s for sure - i fight for the underdog. The world’s not always fair.

I’m a cinderella with rolled-up sleeves.

People might not always notice my efforts but deep down everyone knows i’m a real belle of the ball.
Well, i’m KINDA evil. they haven’t reserved a place in hell for me yet but the leasing agents are starting their call. haha! I might be interested in recanting the evil thing, sensitivity counseling is still in my mind. But hey, if evilness fits: wear it. flaunt it.

Trbute to those girls..

My friend poch asked me to read something last night.. a passage.. an essay about something.. i dont really know what it is.. actually, i was a bit lazy to read it.. but then when im scanning its content.. i decided to read it.. and these are the lines that struck me most..

“This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.”

—yes, i have heard that a million times from my friends and cousins..

“This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.”

—this happens often. guys would say that they dont deserve us because we’re too good.. but in reality they’re trying to come up with an excuse for not loving us back..”

“This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you.”

—ouch toh dude.. as in major ouch..

“I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had.”

—we give our best.. but not enough for them to appreciate us.. then we think, “maybe it wasnt enough”.. we fail to realize that it was too much.. its just the sad reality that he was just too dense to even notice it..

“This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.”

— remember that night you cant put yourself to sleep.. because you’re thinking and hoping that what you wish will happen.. like, he’s going to love you in return.. or he’s going back to you.. then you wake up realizing.. its really not gonna happen..:(

“This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted.”

— we were hurt and betrayed.. but in the end, we talk to them and tell them WE UNDERSTAND.. even if you actually dont.. we tell them that maybe we have faults too that made him do that.. eerrr.. b*llsh*t..

“This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.”

—for those who think less of themselves and more of their partner.. this is a tribute to you.. :(

“therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

— im out of words.. so true.. im not generalizing though.. its just that, IT HAPPENS.. not all girls are lucky enough to find a guy who would never hurt them.. who would sweep them off their feet and treat them the best way..:( so sad.

Unlike you.

The sad thing is..

I spend most of my time DEFENDING you, the person I care so much about..
to the people who tell me not to GET HURT..
because UNLIKE YOU..

—they care so much about me..

Should love always be selfless?

isn’t it ironic when you feel

hurt,

sad,

weak,

when you see him smile…

everytime he shares how happy he is being with her?

well in fact…

it’s the exact reason why you love him…

it’s to make him happy…

…to see him smile.

whatever it takes,

yes, whatever it takes…

even when you’re out of the picture.

(happiness hurts you most when sadness is in denial.)

LOVE = FEAR

all the times he made me SMILE, makes me CRY..

all the JOY he made me feel, makes my SADNESS real..

how much i wanted him to BE HERE..

is the same way i HATE him to be NEAR..

he made LOVE synonymous to FEAR..

Maybe, Someday.

Maybe i could have loved you better,
or maybe you should have loved me more..

Maybe our hearts are just next in line..
or maybe, everything really breaks sometime..

We’ll never know what could have been.. maybe someday we’ll regret it..
or maybe someday you’ll think that it was the best decision you’ve ever made..

but maybe someday, you’ll see me smiling and happy..
beside someone who is also smiling and happy because he has my heart..
because i know,

SOMEDAY, SOMEONE IS GOING TO THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GO..
SOMEDAY.. :’(

Lipat - Blog

Parang lipat-bahay lang. Haha.

I do blog-hopping. JSYK. And I happen to pass by Mhelai’s Tumblr. Mhelai is my friend way back elementary and we both dreamed to become a writer.. but that’s a different story altogether. Haha. Anyway, her blog, for a reason which I do not know, happen to influence me in joining Tumblr. I’ve been blogging eversince. Blogspot and Livejournal. But I deleted it. Because it came to a point that I only wrote about heartbreak and pain and suffering. And I thought it wasnt healthy for me anymore. I turned my back on writing because of a certain person and I realized it was plain stupid. Why would I give something I love doing just because of you? That was history though. I welcome myself once again in the world of writing. Haha. I have to transfer my tumblr entries here.

Jezzie's Blog History:
Livejournal --> Blogspot ---> Livejournal ---> Tumblr ----> Blogspot.

Anyway, I'd like to give you guys a head's up of some cheesy and emo post i'll be transferring. I can't, for some reasons, delete it. Because they had a huge participation of the whirlwind life I had in the past. :) So SKIP if you MUST.

XOXO,

Jezz

Transferring Blog.. Again!

I am so fickle-minded. That I am sure. :) This is the final decision about this whole blog-making thing. I will settle with blogspot. I used to have a blog here; butterflyjezz.blogspot.com. But 2 years ago, I decided to delete it. Because some bastard broke my heart way back and made me turn my back on writing. That's a long story (and definitely history).

I enjoy tumblr, but all the reblog thing makes my blog life much complicated. There's a tumblarity that you have to sustain and all that crap. Haii. But I'm planning to keep it though. I'll transfer all my entries here when I have time.. (like, tonight?) Hahaha. Oh well, welcome back to Blogging, jezzie. Hope you stay here for a long time :)